whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
