giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
