Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
