dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
