proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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