oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
