I look better un-naked...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
