Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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