you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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