Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
