Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
