Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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