I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
