imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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