No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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