imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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