Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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