A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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