I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
