I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
