I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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