Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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