I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
