i think my mom watched the whole time
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
