if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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