i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
