shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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