No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
