Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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