peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Randomize
