answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
