my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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