how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
