I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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