Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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