I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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