Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Boobs speak an international language.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
