you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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