How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
