Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
