The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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