toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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