my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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