im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
