the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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