my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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