I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
