she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You are the jesus of drinking
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
