gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
