Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
pray to the hookup gods
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
