Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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