so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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