I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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